Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! The world has become increasingly complex over the past 50 years. Until the mid-20th century, the transition to adulthood was relatively well-structured for most people. One of the defining developmental processes that occur during the unique stage of
emerging adulthood is the emergence of adult identity, or the subjective sense of adulthood. So today we talk to Collin, to bring a sense of perspective of someone in their early 20's and what they experience in todays world and that story of their own identity.
This is Part 2 of 2
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:07
hi everyone I'm Kelly ooro and this is
0:10
adaptable Behavior explained hi
0:13
everybody welcome back to adaptable I
0:15
appreciate you being here today this
0:16
will be part two of an episode on
0:18
identity specifically related to the
0:21
developmental age of early 20s and on
0:24
our first episode I have uh Colin my son
0:28
goes by Ariah crew his rap name for his
0:30
performing uh side of things and so I
0:33
highly encourage you to watch that first
0:34
episode you don't want to miss it uh
0:36
it's really insightful so we're going to
0:38
continue our conversation with crew here
0:40
and I appreciate you being here uh
0:42
thanks so much for giving up your time
0:44
for this uh project of mine so we're
0:46
going to continue our conversation about
0:48
identity and we're going to dig into a
0:49
few more Concepts that are uh difficult
0:52
for people especially in today's day and
0:54
age uh the first of which will be on
0:56
dating and I know that it's so different
0:59
uh da is so different now than it was
1:01
when I was um when I was single 20 you
1:05
know 5 years ago we didn't have barely
1:07
cell phones never mind apps to just
1:09
swipe based on completely uh physical
1:12
attributes so so thank you so much let's
1:16
talk about dating for you um so dating
1:19
is influenced by a myriad of things and
1:21
when you think about we talked about
1:23
social media in our last episode and its
1:25
influence we've got dating apps how do
1:28
you feel like social media or apps in
1:30
general impact your uh interface with
1:34
dating I mean I don't participate in
1:37
that uh I feel like I said in the last
1:40
episode I've already struggled with
1:42
online vanity and I definitely don't
1:44
need more of that in my life so I've
1:46
scrapped all the dating apps you know my
1:48
homies are like dude get on hinge like
1:50
it's it's so fire like the girls are so
1:53
bad like it's like and it's even just
1:55
hearing the way my friends talk it's
1:58
they're great people super authentic you
2:00
know successful businesses chivalrous
2:03
but it just infects your mind man and
2:05
like and you know you can't help it too
2:07
you know the girls have just as many
2:09
options as we do and you know boiling
2:12
everything down to a left or a right
2:15
swipe is not the way I want to see
2:17
myself you know like especially when all
2:19
you get is Right swipes it's just
2:22
like such a dork no no honestly like I
2:26
haven't been on it in a long time um so
2:29
I know how it affects those around me
2:31
though I'll I'll look over you know I'll
2:33
be sitting in my
2:35
chair and they'll be sitting in theirs
2:38
and I'll be watching them swipe and it
2:40
just makes me sad most of the time I'll
2:42
call them out on it you know so how do
2:44
you approach I mean how do you approach
2:46
dating and where do you meet people when
2:48
you think about how people meet people
2:50
now what for you what's that like um I
2:54
mean I could tell you what it's like for
2:57
my community uh it's a lot of going
2:59
going out to bars in a lot of ghosting
3:02
there's a lot of you know pretty
3:04
superficial weekl long flings and
3:07
situationships until you know someone
3:10
breaks a boundary they lack
3:12
communication and then they just kind of
3:13
taper off it's really like a revolving
3:16
door at this point for for my community
3:19
of dating unfortunately it's really it's
3:21
really sad to hear because you know we
3:25
need to get in connection with people in
3:27
real life in order to get a sense of
3:30
genuiness and so when you think about
3:32
for you how can you tell the difference
3:34
between a genuine connection you know
3:37
perhaps you've met them through a social
3:38
media connection or in real life how do
3:41
you gauge a genuine connection versus
3:43
one that's you know more shallow um
3:46
their respon is it's pretty it's pretty
3:49
clear straight off the bat if they're
3:51
fairly dry um uh I wouldn't say taking
3:54
too long to respond I think a lot of
3:56
people struggle with that but honestly
3:57
we all have our own lives and kind of
4:00
dropped that part of my ego uh if I'll
4:03
send a video and if they send a video
4:05
back and they match my energy um if
4:07
they're not as nervous if they're if
4:09
they're confident speaking to me that's
4:11
usually my talltail sign that they're
4:13
pretty genuine for the people that I
4:15
meet on Instagram or Tik Tok or whatever
4:18
um however in person you can tell like
4:21
that like someone who's genuine yeah
4:24
it's just I don't know it's whoever fits
4:26
you know your style of communication I'm
4:28
very direct I'm very blunt
4:30
uh I like to be uh sarcastic and if they
4:34
take that personally you know next door
4:37
like that's a lot it's going to be a lot
4:39
of work if it's too personal taking
4:41
things too personally there's a lot of
4:42
fish in the sea and I'm not trying to
4:44
fish one that I don't like you know that
4:47
that doesn't like me and that's another
4:49
thing you know I think that's the bigger
4:50
piece yeah that I agree be able to be
4:53
you authentically and if you're not you
4:55
know like I tell people I may not be
4:56
your flavor that's okay I'm not going to
4:59
be every body's flavoring let's let's
5:01
find a fit when it comes to just even
5:03
any human connection even in friendships
5:05
versus yeah no all of it's definitely
5:07
kind of muddled up from social media in
5:09
general um especially dating you know
5:13
what advice would you give someone
5:14
looking for love knowing you know social
5:17
media is the probably the fastest way to
5:19
connect with people that aren't just at
5:21
the breakfast place you went or the
5:23
coffee line you're in or however we
5:26
interface in our daily interactions um
5:29
stock stop looking and talk to everyone
5:32
you know like what's the worst don't
5:33
limit yourself yeah just you know you'll
5:35
you'll be rejected if you're if you're
5:37
in line and you think the Bruce is cute
5:38
you know hey how's your day like how
5:41
long you worked here like do whatever
5:43
you think would work and if it doesn't
5:45
then next door yeah I was a door knocker
5:47
like you're asking the wrong guy for
5:49
dating with us like there's going to be
5:51
a lot of NOS before you get a yes yeah
5:53
100% for sure so one of the challenges
5:57
that people your age struggle with and I
5:59
I mean it it I think that that that
6:01
number is getting even later in
6:03
development from becoming independent
6:07
versus um needing to somewhat rely on
6:11
our uh our you know our families if
6:13
we're lucky enough to have supportive
6:14
families and things like that what does
6:16
being independent mean to you being
6:19
independent to me is
6:22
essentially you know being able to set
6:23
boundaries with people that are trying
6:25
to take your
6:26
Independence um I think that we're
6:29
social creatures and we need our
6:31
communities and we need our families and
6:34
if you aren't lucky enough to have one
6:35
you need your friends and that'll never
6:39
change um but if those friends in those
6:41
Social Circles and those families are
6:43
trying to one control you or uh strip
6:46
your Independence away or they're fairly
6:48
codependent and you fold then you're
6:52
never going to have it right so I have a
6:54
fairly vast Community but I have a lot
6:57
of Independence and I would be able to
7:00
do anything without them MH um and they
7:02
see me as independent which is why they
7:04
want to support me mhm so it's really
7:07
just about setting boundaries at the end
7:08
of the day so has your relationship with
7:10
your family changed as you've become
7:12
more
7:13
independent they like me more um they
7:18
give me a lot of Grace for the
7:20
outrageous things that I say and I find
7:25
a more personable connection with not
7:27
only you but my dad and my my siblings
7:30
that choose to engage with me and um I
7:35
just they just know I'm not to be
7:38
with you know like in our last episode
7:41
you talked about you know your changing
7:43
gears from you know leaving college and
7:45
going into sales and you learned a lot
7:47
about yourself through that path and
7:49
then you've you know you've really
7:51
decided to pursue this Artistry and in
7:54
becoming a rapper do you have do you
7:56
have any internal voices that say you
7:58
know I'm going to really hit hard for
8:00
this amount of time and then at this
8:02
other point you know I may pivot and go
8:04
another direction or is that not part of
8:05
your current goal setting or plans or
8:07
any of that at this point because the
8:09
average person changes careers I think
8:11
it's like five to 10 times so you know
8:13
that's a totally normal thing but I just
8:14
wonder for you what what what drives
8:17
that or what's what's going on there
8:18
well that's definitely a internal battle
8:20
you know the Seesaw of you know I would
8:23
save the majority of everyone's lives um
8:26
I there's a say in the music industry
8:29
that I didn't have a plan B and if you
8:33
have a plan B then more likely than not
8:36
you're you're you will resort to it
8:38
because plan a is really hard you know
8:40
you'll get a lot of judgment you'll get
8:42
a lot of NOS it's a lot of failure this
8:44
isn't even music this is acting this is
8:46
anything to do with performing right and
8:49
I try my best to always Manifest this is
8:53
my only only plan mhm at the end of the
8:56
day I know that I made a very good
8:58
living at a young young age with little
9:01
experience um doing sales so I know I
9:04
can always fall back on that but I try
9:06
not to project that to the universe just
9:09
eye on the prize put eye on the prize I
9:11
don't got no plan B okay that's you know
9:13
that's okay because I think that maybe
9:15
there's also enough confidence in you to
9:17
know that like there's plenty of backup
9:19
possibilities if you need to that's just
9:21
not where you want to put your energy
9:22
yeah if I sit down at an interview more
9:24
likely than not I'll I'll be taken for a
9:27
call back yeah for sure that's that's
9:30
good I I think that's really sound
9:32
advice you know knowing that a plan B
9:34
could happen if needed but that's not
9:36
where you focus your energy and I think
9:37
our energy goes in the direction or you
9:40
know our success goes in the direction
9:42
our energy flows so I think that's
9:44
that's a really smart plan and you know
9:46
we grind and most of us grind and do you
9:49
know things like waiter or whatever
9:51
until we get to whatever the next thing
9:53
is to you know put food on our plate and
9:55
things like that so that perseverance
9:57
and resilience is also part of the
9:59
grittiness of needing to try something
10:02
that's hard and it's a bit out of an out
10:04
the arena you know right yeah for sure
10:07
so every person that finds success would
10:10
talk about relationships as part of the
10:12
factors that influenced or were were um
10:17
factors in their ability to become
10:20
successful so when you think about
10:21
relationships and what they teach us
10:23
about ourselves um how have your
10:27
relationships helped you understand who
10:29
you
10:31
are I guess it depends on the
10:33
relationships I have a lot I have a lot
10:35
of very different relationships with
10:37
different people for different reasons
10:39
so I'd like probably a more specific
10:41
question to be honest that's fair um
10:46
when you think about relationships for
10:48
example in your industry how how have
10:51
you found those to be fruitful or not
10:55
helpful okay um I find that more often
10:58
than not
10:59
people that are befriending me for
11:02
Access are usually bad bets uh people
11:05
that provide access in the first place
11:08
are who I focus more of my energy on um
11:11
but like I said relation the
11:13
relationships you have are inevitably a
11:15
reflection of you and the boundaries you
11:16
set right yeah I'm going to Prett be
11:19
pretty redundant on that you know the
11:21
majority of how I manage relationships
11:24
is do not cross this boundary and if you
11:27
cross it once then you can come to me
11:29
and apologize and ratify whatever you
11:31
did and if not then next door but you're
11:34
open to circling back and repair I'm
11:37
opening to I'm I personally am opening
11:40
open to circling back once MH um and if
11:43
you double down on whatever boundary you
11:45
cross in the first place then it's up to
11:47
you to reach out and I'll forgive you
11:50
right if you do it again it's the same
11:52
same proc you're not going chase people
11:54
but you're definitely um open to
11:56
conversation oh yeah yeah yeah what
11:59
what's important to you in a
12:00
relationship what what what do people
12:02
need to possess to be in relationship
12:03
with you don't slam my car
12:06
door if I call you you might need to
12:09
reprocess that I think there might be
12:11
something more there that's a big
12:13
reaction dude don't slay my car door
12:16
that's it like it's so I have a couple
12:18
rules it's fairly simple the second is
12:20
if I call you call me back when you see
12:22
that I called youh um and the third
12:25
thing if I ever catch you in a lie I
12:27
will not Circle back MH I'd rather have
12:30
you tell me something I don't want to
12:31
hear and work through it in a 10-minute
12:35
conversation than you try to hide it and
12:37
think I'm going to judge you for it and
12:39
that's with my friends too I think that
12:41
that's a value you learned in our home
12:42
because there was plenty of constructive
12:45
tension and opportunities for hard
12:47
conversations but I think what I hope
12:49
that what too many opportunities if you
12:51
didn't see the last episode two
12:53
therapist
12:55
parents but I think that it's really
12:57
important to note that
12:59
you know you learn what you lived and so
13:01
you know there were many years where Dad
13:03
and I were in a lot of conflict so you
13:05
saw a lot of conflict repair resolution
13:07
connection and so I think you saw that
13:09
it's possible if people are willing to
13:11
go back and face those difficult
13:13
conversations and constructive tensions
13:14
and important part of growth we don't
13:16
grow when we're comfortable so yeah I
13:17
definitely am not going to model like my
13:19
relationship off of the way way I manage
13:22
a relationship especially long-term one
13:25
um the way that you guys did it I hope
13:27
not I hope it's more of a day reflection
13:30
than a when my boundary is if you slam
13:32
my car door I will not speak to you
13:35
until you apologize very I have a lot of
13:37
patience to sit in my chair you know
13:40
yeah that's that's cool so is there
13:42
anything else that you want to share
13:43
with us before we wrap up for the day
13:45
yeah codependency album out fairly soon
13:50
no I uh I definitely think that at the
13:53
end of the day um patience is a virtue
13:57
uh if it's meant to happen it will is
13:59
not something I believe in uh I think
14:02
it'll happen if you make it happen and
14:05
if you try enough times you know
14:07
repetition consistency is how you know
14:10
you change it's how you change the
14:12
people around you um and it's how you
14:15
impact yourself in positive ways you
14:17
know don't ever sit on the sidelines and
14:19
the bleachers and think someone's going
14:20
to throw the football to you MH you got
14:22
to get out you got to get out there yeah
14:25
you know and that's one thing I've I've
14:26
always really respected in you is that
14:28
you are not afraid to try hard things or
14:30
or difficult things or learn something
14:32
new and I think that's one of the things
14:34
that makes you pretty cool 100% right
14:36
like you're not going to learn how to do
14:37
it unless you fall right all right well
14:40
I I really appreciate you being here
14:41
today and I know we talked a little bit
14:43
about how this would go I think that um
14:45
I'm really pleased with with the topic
14:48
and you have so much wisdom and insight
14:50
and I really appreciate you sharing that
14:51
and and again your authenticity and your
14:53
honesty and your cander I think our our
14:56
reflections of of of you but it's also I
14:59
think inspirational because people your
15:00
age have a harder time with those uh
15:03
attributes and so uh not all but but a
15:06
lot and I just I I am appreciative of
15:08
you showing up like that and day and uh
15:12
he will be having an album that comes
15:15
out cepen it's called
15:17
codependency and on that topic there's
15:19
another show on codependency if you
15:20
don't know what that means uh you can
15:21
learn about that but uh it's been a it's
15:24
been an influence in you and learning
15:25
about that concept and topic and so I
15:27
think it'll been one of the more
15:29
interesting uh Behavioral Health
15:31
Concepts that I've I've there's a lot of
15:33
banter we have at our house about those
15:35
topics so so and again thank you so much
15:37
for being here I appreciate it and thank
15:39
you all for tuning in to our show today
15:41
I hope that you enjoyed it and can share
15:44
it with someone that might find it
15:45
beneficial again if you didn't see the
15:47
first one Circle back and catch that one
15:49
it was a fun a fun one to do and until
15:52
we meet again don't forget to lead with
15:54
love it'll never steer you wrong
15:57
[Music]
16:09
you
16:13
[Music]
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